Headlines You're Not Going to See

Today is, Tuesday, April 1, 2014 - April Fool's Day. The day people are supposed to play stupid jokes on each other to get a rise out of the other person. At that point, you can say "April Fools" and laugh at their being so naive as to fall for your old "there's a spider on your shirt collar" joke.

Here's a word of warning: some who are really afraid of spiders (arachnophobia) don't see those jokes as a laughing matter. In fact, some of you might be the recipient of a severe beat-down for suggesting there's a spider anywhere in the vicinity. Ditto snakes, bugs and other eye-popping creatures. So, don't say I didn't warn you.

I'm not going to write a bunch of stories that build your hopes up just to dash them by writing "April Fools" at the bottom of the column. Instead, I'll write some headlines ledes to stories I'd like to see on April 2, 2014...or any day thereafter.

If you think you're going to see them, well, April Fools. These headlines are, unfortunately, not likely to happen tomorrow, if ever.

Holder Writes Issa: "DOJ Has Been "Dishonest" In a reversal of his longstanding assertion otherwise, Attorney General Eric Holder has sent a letter to Representative Darrell Issa (R-CA) apologizing for the "stonewalling, obfuscation and deceitful practices" the Department of Justice has used to avoid answering embarrassing questions about the inept, and most likely illegal, investigations run by elements of the Justice Department. "As the Attorney General," the letter continues, "I have failed to uphold my oath of office. Consequently, I am also tendering my resignation from this position, effective immediately. As my personal apology to the American people, I will fully and forthrightly answer any question your committee should wish to ask me-with no counsel. Honesty does not require my 'parsing' the truth." A Justice Department spokesman has countered that position, saying, "Mr. Holder will be given all the protections possible, despite his insistence to the contrary. The truth is bigger than Mr. Holder."

President Tells Visiting Gun Execs "I Want You Gone" President Obama stunned visiting executives from the firearms industry in Washington for a seventh annual Congressional Fly-In with a frank admission. "Of course I want to see you out of business," he said, "Your continuing to sell firearms to individuals, makes disarming them much harder." Continuing, the president laughingly asked "what in the world would ever make you think I felt otherwise?"

More Governors Join Call For Conference on Separation Governors for six southern states have said "enough is enough" and joined western governors in calling for a meeting to arrive at a unified process for their states orderly withdrawal from the United States. "secession is an alternative in our agreements with the United States, it isn't a call for a revolution or an invitation to a civil war," one said, "we're taxed and regulated to the point small businesses can't survive, then we're demonized for clinging to our outdated values. We're not progressives because our citizens believe hard-work to be a sign of virtue, not of being a 'sucker' paying the freight for others. If we stick around without redress, we would be suckers."

Global Warming An Invented Crisis "The best way to assure your department of a nearly unending supply of government funding," is how one climatologist rationalized large groups of supposedly objective scientists continued endorsement of global warming despite evidence that indicated the warming and cooling of the earth were simply cyclic occurrences. Instead or using science to refute warming arguments, she explains "the global warming gravy train" of federal funding was simply too-tempting. "Some of that money," she argued, "was then used for funding 'real' research.

Lead-Free ONLY When Affordable Alternatives Exist "We are constantly being demonized for our supposed intransigence on the use of lead in ammunition," said an industry spokesman. "And we've been told we're endangering wildlife and people with that position. Truth is, that's bull. We'll change to an alternative- only if it doesn't price ammo out of the reach of everyone but government agencies. No affordable alternative exists today. If it did, we'd be all over it."

By now, some of you aren't the least bit happy with me.

Some are already pounding out angry responses. If you are, stop. Just for a minute consider the possibility that you're angry with me, because you're tired of seeing headlines that look nothing like my made up ones.

If that's the case, we're probably not disagreeing. Like you, I'm sick of a constant back-and-forth between extreme positions. Many days I don't want to read news, much less report it. But that would be as dishonest as not recognizing we're we're fed a constant diet of "near truths" by almost everyone.

That's because some truths are ugly. But ugly doesn't lessen the truth, it just makes it harder to swallow. And a half-truth is still a lie. Good intentions can't change that.

Frankly, I'd prefer a few more ugly truths and a lot fewer sugar-coated lies every day of the year. Wouldn't you?

Now...about that spider on your collar.....

Republished from The Outdoor Wire.