BATFE Launches Operation Flying Wrath
by Ken Hanson, Esq.
WASHINGTON - Obama Administration officials today announced a bold new anti-gun trafficking program that they swear is in no way intended to divert attention from the "Fast and Furious" scandal.
Speaking on condition of anonymity because it seems more dramatic, administration sources confirmed that the program took shape during a reelection campaign strategy meeting.
"We were all lamenting our tepid fundraising, when a consultant pointed out all the crap we promised our supporters in 2008. We realized that not even Chris Matthews could cover our asses when the base started questioning these failures. In a flash of brilliance, we decided to pull out of Afghanistan AND repurpose those resources into a new gun control program. It's a two-fer."
Dubbed "Operation Flying Wrath," the program will transfer armed, unmanned Predator drones to BATFE for use in interdicting illegal firearm sales. Explaining the need to transfer the Predators to BATFE, the source replied, "An administration attorney pointed out that it is technically illegal for the CIA and U.S. Air Force to deploy guided missiles against U.S. citizens, at least while they are inside the United States. We fired that attorney's ass as a warning to others, and then transferred the drones to BATFE, which IS allowed to employ explosives against U.S. citizens. Problem solved."
At a press conference outlining how the program will work, Attorney General Eric "Gun Walker" Holder explained that the drones will be deployed to border states, where they will orbit over local dealers and gun shows in anticipation of an illegal sale. Once a straw sale is detected, or a private sale at a gun show, the drone will deploy a Hellfire missile to interdict the sale. Holder was quick to point out that this program clearly addresses one of the failings of prior gun control programs: BATFE's inability to keep track of the firearms after the sale occurred.
"Yea, it is pretty clear we couldn't keep track of our own rear ends, even if you gave us two hands, a mirror and an anatomy book. As part of our continual internal reviews and controls, we decided we had better not risk having to keep track of guns in future operations. With 'Flying Wrath,' tracking guns and collecting evidence is not going to be an issue. This sends a clear message: conduct a straw sale or exploit the 'gun show loophole' and the consequences will be immediate."
When asked about "Flying Wrath's" apparent lack of due process during a campaign photo op, President Obama visibly bristled and responded, "I was a Constitutional Law professor. I can personally assure you that the framers of our Constitution could not envision a future where a country's leader needed to acquire ever increasing unchecked personal power in order to impose dictatorial control on the day-to-day lives of his subjects, only to have these tyrannical plans continually thwarted by a freely armed populace. Let me be clear: this obstruction must stop. Today, on behalf of the United States, I apologize to the people of Mexico, and to those of Hispanic descent living within the United States, at least those registered to vote as Democrats."
Obama Press Secretary Jay Carney was quick to clarify Obama's statement. "Justice Department lawyers have carefully researched this issue and written a detailed memo outlining the legality of this program. Western legal tradition has embraced 'trial by ordeal' as due process for hundreds of years. Just like witches and adulterers facing a three minute dunking in a river or being forced to swallow molten lead, if a person can walk away from the Predator drone missile strike unharmed, they are clearly innocent and will face no further prosecution."
When asked for a copy of the Justice Department memo under the Freedom of Information Act, Attorney General Eric Holder denied any knowledge of "Flying Wrath." Responding to initial congressional criticism of the program, BATFE acting director B. Todd Jones, with his private attorney standing at his side, replied, "The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives resents certain Senators referring to this program as 'Operation Flying Death Robot.' In 2011, Mexican authorities recovered 3,759 firearms at crime scenes, and 4,382 of those recovered firearms were traced back to border state gun dealers. These guns included three bolt action 50 caliber assault rifles, capable of spraying hundreds of bullets per minute and shooting down the International Space Station. Also recovered were two RPG-7s, which were traced back to a Scottsdale, Arizona Walmart."
Asked for comment on the program, Brady Center President Dan Gross said, "In a clear victory for us, the U.S. Supreme Court said, in the Heller case, that gun control was permissible. For years we have lobbied for common-sense gun law reform. Today marks an important first step, as 'Flying Wrath' is exactly the type of program we are referring to when we talk about common-sense reforms."
Ken Hanson, a gun nut attorney, was contacted for his feedback on the latest ATF operation. Hanson said, "The really sad thing is that there is enough in this story that mirrors real life that readers are still trying to figure out if the story is true or an April Fools joke."
Prior April 1 Articles:
Ohio Supreme Court confirms that Cleveland's elected officials are morons